A fictive psychoanalytic conversation between famed psychologists Sigmund Freud and Alfred Adler.
SCENE
A dim Viennese café. Freud stirs his coffee, Adler adjusts his spectacles. Outside, the world trembles under the weight of inflated egos and badly styled hair.
Freud: My dear Adler, nations are like patients—neurotic, repressed, constantly in denial. They dream of a father figure. Or worse, a father figure with a golden toilet and an X account.
Adler: (laughs dryly) A father figure? More like a kindergarten bully who insists he’s six foot three while the measuring tape begs to differ. Nations don’t want kings, Sigmund—they want attention. Just like him, forever craving applause, counting crowd sizes like it’s foreplay.
Freud: Still, kings serve a function. They are symbols, projections of a nation’s unconscious wish for order. A king embodies stability. Unlike certain democratically elected performers who confuse a press conference with a stand-up routine.
Adler: Stability? Have you seen the numbers?
- U.S. debt now hovers over $34 trillion.
- In some European democracies, approval ratings sink lower than Freud’s cigar ash.
And yet people still say, “If only we had a king!” As if a crown could fix inflation or teach anyone how to plug in an electric car charger.
Freud: Perhaps it is regression—a return to childhood dependency. Citizens are secretly tired of choice. “Too many candidates, too much thinking! Just give us a king who waves and wears a funny hat.”
Adler: Or a king who storms palaces when he loses. Hypothetically, of course. No names, Sigmund. (smirks)
Freud: Hypothetically indeed. Though I can’t help noticing that the same leaders who shout “freedom!” also admire authoritarian style. The unconscious desire for domination is universal.
Adler: And the conscious desire for photo ops is even stronger. A king is supposed to unify a country. But these modern would-be monarchs? They divide nations faster than TikTok divides attention spans.
Enter the Analyst’s Verdict
Freud: A king may soothe national anxiety. A symbolic father pacifies the masses. But beware: if the father starts shouting about stolen toys—or elections—the family ends in therapy.
Adler: A king is unnecessary. What nations need is community feeling, mutual respect. Not a billionaire who hugs flags like security blankets. Kings? Outdated. What we’ve got now are comedians in power—except nobody’s laughing, except maybe the stock market.
So, does every country secretly need a king?
- Freud says yes, unconsciously.
- Adler says no, consciously.
- Reality says: we already have them—self-crowned rulers with motorcades, marble bathrooms, and more delusion than divine right.
And unlike kings of old, they don’t even come with castles—just golf resorts and a lifetime supply of ego.